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Beyerl Residents Learn How to Open a Window, Thanks to Microsoft CEO

 

    MUNCIE, Ind. - In a breakthrough that will be studied by engineers, philosophers, and overworked resident assistants for years to come, the residents on one floor of Beyerl Hall have finally grasped the intricacies of operating a window. 

    This revelation comes after increased surveillance in the hallway, due to the persistent aroma of the aftermath of smoke.

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    Enter Micnelius Softique, CEO of Microsoft Windows, who, upon sensing distress in his Defender antivirus soul, literally fell out of the fuckin sky. With a thud so loud that all residents bolted to the floors kitchenette, Mr. Softique fell straight through the roof, landing in the kitchenette, where, moments later, he unveiled his greatest contribution to humanity since Clippy: 

    A five-minute micro-course on, get this: Opening a window.

    "Aight, look at this," Mr. Softique said calmly yet casually. He wore a dress suit, complete with the Microsoft logo, but spoke in outdated slang to appeal to the residents. "The flat handle must be in the super skibidi skyward position before you spin the cornelius crank! Bussin, innit?"

    Gasps filled the room as Mr. Softique opened the practice window he brought to demonstrate. The collective brainpower of the floor surged, neurons firing at previously unheard-of speeds. 

    "We thought the crank was just a decorative element...like the thermostat!" exclaimed one resident. 

    "I swear it was just an aesthetic piece!" stated another. "Y'know, like that lil' round button on the door handle; The one that, like, makes the door not open from the other side? What's that for? And that weird table with all the doors on it? I think Housing called it a 'des-kee?' I’ll think on it!"

    "I've never opened a window in my life!" shared another resident. "I was born in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. Some say the rats made me crazy, but I digress."

    Reportedly, Mr. Softique has gone "insane in the membrane" after hearing these comments, a popup appearing overhead that he's "Updating Windows", and to "Please [not] restart this PC." He is currently at Ball Memorial hospital, with the update progress stagnant at 99%.

    No word has been published on if Mr. Softique has been trespassed from campus. Notably, the university utilizes Microsoft services and the Windows operating system, so it's highly unlikely.

    Neither Microsoft nor Mr. Softique have responded to BSn's request for comment.

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